Over the years, I have been told by countless therapists and professionals that often, siblings of special needs children naturally become empathetic humans. I have been told by many parents, on the contrary, that some of their children are actually quite ashamed of their special needs siblings and it hurts them to be around them in the home or in public. My heart aches for those kids and those parents because my experience has been the complete contrary.
I am so blessed that my oldest son (who is neuro-typical), loves his special needs brother as he would love any other sibling. He recognizes his shortcomings but never dwells on them. He plays and fights with him like he would with any other sibling, although he is verbal and his brother is not. I do believe that a lot of the progress my son on the spectrum has made is due to this bond between him and his older brother. There is a very deep connection between the two of them which helps spark his social abilities.
As parents, we can pray that we have children that fall into the naturally empathetic category. However, many of us aren’t that fortunate. The battle of having a special needs child becomes two-fold in some cases. It is not only about how to best care for the autistic child. But also, how do we protect the neuro-typical siblings and respond to their valid emotions? I think my older son is the way he is because I am extremely lucky. However, I do think there are other factors at play and I have some control over their relationship:
1) I really do take my ASD son out everywhere we go as a family (my entire blog is evidence). Even if he tantrums. Even if he stims in public. The fact that my older son sees him exposed to the world must take away from the shame he would otherwise feel.
2) I have the older son participate in the therapy sessions. I deliberately make him feel responsible for causing positive changes in his younger brother. I even have him act as a therapist when the therapist isn’t there. He has a natural inclination to nurture so I make sure to fuel that trait in him as much as I can, which will only benefit them both into adulthood.
3) Always remember that your neuro-typical child(ren) need(s) as much attention as the special needs sibling. Love them as much. Love them together. Do things together. Someone once told me it’s best to separate my children so my older son can thrive. While there may be some truth behind the sentiment, and the advice came from a very good and caring place, it was a dagger to my heart. Every parents dream is to have children who get along. And this advice was going completely contrary to parental instinct. The relationship between my sons brings me extreme pride and I find it to be one of the crowning achievements of my life!
I highly recommend every parent sticks with their gut when raising their children. We all know best what works and what doesn’t. We are all probably, through survival instinct, more committed to our children than the average parent! None of us are doing our job wrong. But if from an early age you see your neuro-typical child withdraws from your special needs child, try to take care of the situation as soon as you can. Because G-d willing, they’ll be in this world together long after we are gone!
Below are some videos that show the bond between my boys that are truly heart-warming. They serve to show that no diagnosis can take away the innate love that exists between siblings! So even if you think your child is ashamed, it by no means indicative of his/her unconditional love for their special needs brother or sister!