Some people may wonder how I remain so calm and collected when I have a nonverbal child on the autism spectrum. Especially considering that I am the world's most anxious and negative person. In all honesty, it is through the wise words of some mothers and teachers that I have found some peace of mind. These are some of the lines embedded in my brain that help me get through the day:
"Autism is like an electric fuse that keeps going in and out. You'll see sparks of capability only to be followed by moments of zoning out. But when they are with you, they are completely with you."
"Think of their brains as a messy closet. They don't always have access to their words but they are in there."
"It's like speaking another language. It doesn't come naturally to them."
"Autism brings out the goodness in everyone surrounding the person affected. You grow empathetic and patient and kind. These children are here to make you better. They have value in this world."
"Every child comes with their challenges. My kid is a bully. Every day I have to work on him and make sure he behaves."
For those who are Jewish..."The biggest mitzvah on Yom Kippur is to not talk. Because it's the most challenging thing to do, even more than not eating. It means you are completely pure because you are avoiding Lashon Hara. Which is what a non-verbal child on the spectrum naturally does. They are true Tzadiks."
"Honestly, I worry about the future of all my children. Getting a good job, being happy, staying healthy, getting into a good college, having friends and getting married run in the back of my mind for all of them. I don't know which ones will go on to have success."
"Sometimes, my autistic child is the easy one. He/she is more used to routine and doesn't have to be told to brush their teeth in the morning or get out of bed."
"There's a saying: 'If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." I couldn't agree more!
"There is a theory that autism may be a form of human evolution. The numbers are rising at an exponential rate. This might just be nature's way of saying human's complex emotions are not always great for the planet earth. Perhaps a world filled with humans on the spectrum will result in less wars and less hate. Maybe humans have done too much harm the planet earth with their complex brains."
"The sooner you accept life's challenges, the easier your life will be."
For every positive and reinforcing comment, there is about ten "idiotic and obnoxious" ones. But these are actually meant to be sweet. As parents of children with special needs, we all need to be a bit more thick skinned and understand that some of the "dumbest" comments are coming from a place of love and concern, and are not meant in any way to be condescending. We need to drop our armor and our defense mechanisms and learn to embrace these comments as much as we embrace the wise ones. Some of the myths out there:
"Is your child a genius? I understand autistic kids are savants like Rainman." Um, absolutely not. Yes, there is a percentage, but certainly not all or anywhere close to all have savant skills.
"He looks completely normal. I can't tell." That's because you're not his/her mom.
"Don't worry, he'll outgrow it." He/she may. He/she may not.
"He just doesn't want to talk." Nope. He/she just can't.
"He's very smart." No one ever said he wasn't. There's just a communication barrier.
"He'll just start talking out of no where." Not always true. If you're lucky, maybe? I'm still waiting.
"You're not disciplining him. That's why he behaves this way." Ok, you try to discipline him.
These comments are things I would probably say to a friend if I heard their child has special needs not knowing any better. Personally, I have never found any comment offensive. Perhaps only a few times when I felt that someone thought I was making things up or was just being "negative." I wasn't offended by the comment as much as I was about the attitude.
I think that the underlying problem with these comments is that they seem to be devaluing our day-to-day struggles. "It's no big deal" doesn't sit well when "it is a very big deal" and a very big challenge! And this bruises our egos. It takes away our heroic efforts and all our extra credit as mothers and fathers! And that is simply not fair! But in all honesty, I have been moved by each comment and all the advice that comes my way! I embrace all the love and encouragement. Just be mindful that some are more sensitive than others...as they have a right to be. So just think next time you drop one of these lines!